just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
