U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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