How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
dude. I can hear the air.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize