I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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