I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
