Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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