hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
