apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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