Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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