I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
