I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I am available for nakedness
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
