My friends, they love my intelligence
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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