I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
