Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
