going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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