it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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