Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
