isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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