I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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