There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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