I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
