It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize