I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize