you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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