Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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