I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Alive.
So much puke
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
