I'm so fucking centered right now
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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