did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
