My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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