i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
