i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
