I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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