yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wear drunk well.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
