im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
