Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
