She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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