My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
