I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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