Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize