i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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