he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
