A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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