I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
