i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
her facebook's as public as her vagina
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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