Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
