So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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