babies were throwing up all over the place
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize