I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
