i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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