No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
