So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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