Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize