I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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