Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
