omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
