Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you will always have a special place in my vag
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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