he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
