Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
