maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize